Week 804: Our Type o' Joke


Senators in Both Parties Call
For Big Guts in Stimulus Bill

Fast-Food Tax Credit Proposed:
'Snarf a Whopper, Heal the Economy'

Here's a contest that the Empress was going to run years ago but forgot about until a few weeks back, when the Royal Consort, Mr. Empress himself, suggested it. Noting a recent headline on CQ.com, "Boehner Decries Party Radios on Two Powerful House Panels" (perhaps the spell-checker didn't like "ratios"), Mr. E figured that Invitational readers shouldn't wait around for amusing headline typos to show up when they can just write them themselves. This week: Change a headline by one letter, or switch two letters, in a headline (or most of a headline) appearing on an article or ad in The Washington Post or on washingtonpost.com between Feb. 14 and 23, and elaborate on it in a "bank" headline (subhead) or a brief first sentence of an article that would run under it. (The example above plays on one from the front page of the Feb. 6 Post.) We'll probably prefer entries in which it's obvious what the original word was. For washingtonpost.com headlines, please copy the originals onto your e-mail. Note to Obsessive Losers: We are offering you 10 whole days' worth of headlines for your convenience, not your punishment -- don't gripe to us that mean old Empress forced you to scrutinize every one of them. Anyway, we like you to read our fine newspaper. Heck, someone ought to.

Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a plain brown book titled "Boring Postcards USA," an artistically presented collection of 1950s-'70s postcards with which a tourist would document his visit to, say, "the Portland-Columbia Toll Bridge Plaza on Route 611." Donated by the not-all-that-boring Kevin Dopart of Washington.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 23. Put "Week 804" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 14. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mention name is by Wayne Rodgers; the revised title for next week's results is by Kevin Dopart.

Report From Week 800, in which we asked you to pair two similar words or terms (one of them could be coined) and define them:

4. Google: Search for online information.
Go ogle: Search for online porn. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

3. Centaur: Human with a horse's body.
Senator: Human who is a part of a horse's body. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)

2. the winner of the didactic European Commission comic book "The Raspberry Ice Cream War":

Amnesia: When you can't remember your name.
Ma'amnesia: When you can't remember the name of the woman you woke up next to. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

And the Winner of the Inker

DUI: Causes alcohol-related accidents.
IUD: Prevents alcohol-related "accidents." (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

In Pairgatory: Honorable Mentions

Tarp: Weather protection.
TARP: Whatever protection. (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.)

Tort reform: Affects liability.
Tart reform: Affects layability. (Tom Witte)

Illegible mail: Can't be read.
Eligible male: Can't be dead. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Deference: Showing proper respect to your 80-year-old grandpa.
Deaference: I said, "SHOWING PROPER RESPECT . . ." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

Conservation of mass: A universal observable law of physics espoused by all.
Conversation of mass: A universal law that you shall not observe physical changes in your spouse. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Average White Band: Rock group, 1975.
Overage White Band: Rocker group, 2009. (Chris Doyle)

Yes, We Can!: U.S. slogan.
Yes, We Cane!: Singapore slogan. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.)

Carve: What you do when you have a hot turkey.
Crave: What you do when you go cold turkey. (Beverley Sharp)

Nickname: Sweet Cheeks.
Ickname: Sweat Cheeks. (Kevin Dopart)

Parasailing: Flying on a wing and a prayer.
Sarah-paling: Flying on a wink and a prayer. (Peter A. Siegwald, Arlington, a First Offender)

Porch Swing: A nice, quiet way to relax with your wife.
Porsche Swing: What some guys go for to prove they're not ready for the former. (Wayne Rodgers, Satellite Beach, Fla.)

Brackish: Briny.
Barackish: Brainy. (David Garratt, Glenn Dale)

Verrazano Narrows: A unique bridge from Staten Island to Brooklyn.
Verizon Narrows: Every freakin' underpass anywhere I'm shhhhhh trying to kkkkkkk can you ppppppp breaking up ztztztzt CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW??? (Brendan Beary)

Maverick: McCain.
Maverisk: Palin. (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J., a First Offender)

Rank and file: Industrial workers.
Rank and vile: Industrial stocks. (Larry Yungk, Arlington)

Barbecue: Grilled meat.
Carbecue: Grilled grille. (Tom Witte)

Eco-friendly: Not harmful to the environment.
Ego-friendly: Not harmful to your environment. (Vic Krysko, Suratthani, Thailand)

Carpe Diem: Seize the day!
Crappy Diem: Please, God, let it end! (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland)

Mosey along: Take a long time to get somewhere.
Moses along: Take 40 years to get somewhere. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

". . . preserve, protect and defend": U.S. Constitution.
". . . reverse, protect and defend": Chief Justice Roberts (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Exist: Am.
Ex-is: Was. (Kevin Dopart)

"Milk," "The Reader" . . . : Academy announces Best Picture nominees.
Milk the readers: Post announces yet another inauguration commemorative. (Lee Dobbins, Arlington)

Orchid: The most sublime of God's creations.
Our kid: And did I tell you she also made the honor roll? (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg)

Brainstorm: A sudden agitation of the mind.
Branstorm: A sudden agitation of the bowel. (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand)

Ex-worker: Laid off.
Sex worker: Laid on. (Russ Taylor, Vienna)

The former senator from Illinois: Change we can believe in.
The former governor from Illinois: Currency I can believe in. (Russell Beland, Fairfax)

Example: Model.
Ex-ample: Diet model. (Kevin Dopart)

President pro tempore: A senator who subs for the veep when he's off.
President pro temper: A veep who snubs a senator with "Eff off." (Chris Doyle)

Scarlett Johansson: Lots of guys would like to sleep with.
Scarlet johnson: No guy would want to wake up with. (Brendan Beary)

Bridge to nowhere: Makes you think of Sarah Palin.
Bride to nowhere: Makes you think of Bristol Palin. (Chris Doyle)

Sidekick: A buddy who's close.
Sidelick: A buddy who's a little too close. (Larry Yungk)

Onomatopoeia: "Quack," "meow," "murmur."
Economatopoeia: "Crash," "thud," "kaboom," "poof." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Roe v. Wade: Choice.
Roe v. Whale: Choice at a sushi bar. (Tom Witte)

And last:

"The Elements of Style": Since 1918, a renowned authority on writing with conciseness and taste.
The Excrements of Style: Since 1993, a renowned repository of writing with, uh, conciseness? (Michael Gips, Bethesda)

Next Week: Ask Backwards, or The Ink Choir Inquires